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Your (ANNOYING) questions for DJs. Answered by DJs.

Question: Can you play my song request? Answer: No. Find out the answers to your deepest darkest DJ questions from real DJs.

Hey ya’ll! You know the scene, 12:30 AM, at the local divey dance bar/lounge, drinks flowing, friends abound, and the DJ is playing some music. Then a song comes on that you don’t recognize and you’ve decided that you hate the song and by the transitive properties of music, the DJ as well. You then feel the urge to go have a conversation with the DJ about his music choices… STOP. Don’t move. Do not talk to the DJ. Don’t leave your friend group. As DJ’s we (Scott Shima and Andrew Takahashi) have heard it all. Most of it we think is a bunch of stupid, idiodic, bulls***. So here we are to answer the most commonly asked questions we get in the most honest way we can. 

Why do you play remixes? The original is way better…

A: If you wanted to listen to the original song I have a suggestion, it’s called spotify or KIIS FM. You could have easily put that on and had a lovely night drinking in your car parked in your driveway. We’re here to bring flavor and spice to your otherwise vanilla night out. This Mariah Carey x Austin Mills remix will hopefully bring the vibes and help make up for your lack of game and end that 25 month dry spell you’ve been on. 

S: What is this…communist Russia? One song, one version, one country? 

I own a club/lounge/bar and want you to play… but only if you bring 100 people with you… 

A: Honestly, you are the worst kind of person. YOU are curating the party. YOU are in charge of the bar. YOU, as the venue owner, are responsible for marketing your business. It is not on the vendors to bring in their friends to make up for your sorry marketing skills. Can we bring the party? Yes, and we will. But don’t make us feel like we need to do your job for you. 

S: I have 100 Instagram followers, does that count? 

All you do these days is press play, that isn’t so hard.

A: Oh it is that easy… so come do it. Come up here, select the right music to play at the right time and play a full 2 hour set. Count every beat and know your entire library of 50,000+ songs to pick the perfect next song. It can’t be too far off the current genre, but will need to bridge the story arc as you navigate through various types of music throughout your set. Then mix it so it teases the next upcoming beat to create anticipation while building tension all before the glorious reveal when that perfect verse drops. If it is so easy, you do it.

S:The pressing play is the easy part. Keeping people in the room is the hard part. 

(In the middle of the set) Can I take a picture in the DJ booth so it looks like I’m DJing?

A: Sure, can I also come and take a picture with you while your cooking at your job? Or while youre running your next corporate meeting? I’ve always wanted to know what I would look like as a corporate accountant.

S: Some life advice, don’t be a poser. If you really want a picture in a DJ booth, purchase a DDJ200 off Amazon (they are like less than $200), email your local bar/club and say you are a superstar DJ who wants to play bangers only, make sure your DJ handle doesn’t have any vowels, download Serato (don’t learn it, just download it - you don’t have time), show up for your 45 minute set 40 minutes late and play one song, but act like its the biggest song ever, have your drunkest friend take the photo (they always take the best ones), post it on instagram over a piece of unreleased deeply personal self written poetry. In one week, you too can DJ.

I am a DJ, so I think you should play this song…

A: Oh so you’re a DJ too? That’s cool.. It’s also ironic that you’re a DJ yet you still feel the need to tell me what songs I should be playing for my set. If you are a DJ, you’re probably not a good one. So no, I probably shouldn’t play that song.

S: You want me to play Chicken Fry by Zac Brown Band? Get your USB, lets go b2b

I’ve never heard this song so it sucks. 

A: Maybe you haven’t heard this song because you have terrible taste in music. There’s also a chance that you have been listening to the same stale music for the past 5 years. Maybe it’s time you moved on from Calvin Harris and updated your taste in music.

S: Maybe now that you’ve heard this song, next time you won’t think it sucks.

I’ve never heard this song so I can’t dance to it?

A: Sorry but I refuse to play the cupid shuffle, the cha cha slide, or the wobble at the bar/lounge. Every song has a beat, every beat can be danced too. I am sorry, but my music choices cannot make up for your lack of rhythm. Learn to dance, or just do what Alex Hitchens preaches, elbows at the waist and a slow two step.

S: Pro Tip: Look around (discreetly), observe how other people are dancing, and now you know how to dance to that song! 

Do you have (insert some obscure song)? You don’t?!? What’s wrong with you? I thought you were a DJ.’

A: There are currently roughly 1.5 billion songs in existence. With an average music mp3 file being 2MB/song, that comes out to about 3 million gigabytes or 3 petabytes worth of data. So no, I do not have every song ever and I most definitely do not have the terrible music you’re requesting. 

S: I brought 80 deep cuts for tonight’s show, good luck with the requests! 

(Also in the middle of a set) Can you teach me how to DJ?

A: I get it. You’re an attractive female who thinks if you learn how to DJ you will get famous and you think it’d be cool. You think that DJing will be easy, like everything else that you have tried in your life. You know what… you’re probably right. You would get famous a lot quicker than it would ever take me and you would get to play venues I could always dream of. But believe me, it’s not because of your skills or your taste in music. I don’t need the competition, so no I won’t teach you how to DJ.

S: Here’s what I would tell them, “If you really want to DJ, purchase a DDJ200 off Amazon (they are like less than $200), email your local bar/club and say you are a superstar DJ who wants to play bangers only, make sure your DJ handle doesn’t have any vowels, download Serato (don’t learn it, just download it - you don’t have time), show up for your 45 minute set 40 minutes late and play one song, but act like its the biggest song ever, have your drunkest friend take the photo (they always take the best ones), post it on instagram over a piece of unreleased deeply personal self written poetry. In one week, you too can DJ, gotta change songs now, good luck!” 

Why won’t you play my request?

A: What I say, “aww sorry I forgot/ran out of time”. What I mean, “It’s not a good song”.

S: I did, I sang it behind the booth, it was magical.

[Guy who wants to keep fist bumping after every song]

A: Aww the DJ booth is too long, and I can’t reach your grody-ass, unwashed, harry, knuckles. Sorry not sorry.

S: What would make this better is if you gave me money every time you enjoyed my transition. 

Play “FREEBIRD!” (DJing for Boomers)

A: I’ll show you a free bird… it’s right here in the middle of my hand. I only ever play Lynyrd Skynryd ironically. 

S: (Pulls out guitar and air guitars all of Freebird over decks)

Play “FISHER” (DJing for Frat boys) 

A: I’m “losing it” every time someone requests Fisher. It’s never a good

S: 

Play “BTS” (DJing for Japanese Americans)

A: I actually used to be a hater… but something about these 7 dudes just gets the crowd going. If you request BTS my response would simply be, in the words of Morty Smith, “you son of a bitch, I’m in”.

S: Aw dang, all my BTS songs got taken away by the South Korean military, don’t worry though, I’ll be able to play them in a few years.

 

Can I put my cheesy nacho fries here, I swear I won’t spill any on your DJ stuff

A: Yes sure you can put your nacho fries, your drink, your purse, your hat, your vomit, whatever… Just pay me and the venue when you inevitably break everything on this table.

Only if you share.

Can you play the birthday song, its my friends birthday and we came to this club randomly and want the whole club to sing happy birthday to her! (to DJ using USB)

A: No, I do not have the birthday song, and even if I did I wouldn’t play it. Why don’t you and your friends pay for bottle service and for 2000 dollars you will get a nice sign with your bottle and sparklers that says “Happy Birthday Friend”. I love capitalism.

S: As long as you brought cake for the whole club, no cake, no song, no birthday. 

You can take a few shots with us, DJing is so easy, c’mon! 

A: Okay as long as you’re paying… :)

S: I’ll just have one (ends up having 3 with immediate regret) 

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October 2022
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